http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=1771421

eeeewwwwwww. Weren't we just complaining about Calvin yesterday? Reptile shoes? Was that the best decision?

Well, I did something strange. At the prodding and emotional pressure of my family (who gave me an application packet for Christmas), I applied to Survivor. Yes, that makes me officially Dumb. But I did it, filled out the huge application as well as making a 3-minute videotape. And I got called, and was given an interview in Louisville, KY (about 1 1/2 hours away), and that was about 3 weeks ago. They called the next week, telling me that I would NOT be making it to the next round, which is 2 weeks in L.A. I was hoping to make it to that round, 1) because I would do really neat things to my house and Home Music Studio if I had a million dollars, and 2) because I'd be able to visit Jef for free!

Actually, I was disappointed, because I just don't think I was funny enough. And I held back, amigos! I held back. I was just thrown by the interview situation (two interviewers, one cameraman behind a Huge Camera Rig- it was at a CBS affiliate station- professional lighting on me, and a lapel microphone). How could I be my clever self under such strange circumstances? But alas, I wasn't chosen. All the better for the American viewing public, I say.

After gorging on NCAA basketball yesterday (and feeling like I just ate an entire television- does anybody else experience this phenominon? When I overeat, for instance, I feel like I just need to lay down or take a walk or SOMETHING to overcome the physical discomfort I've caused myself [why do we do this, people? WHY?!?]. But when I watch too much of the teevee, I just feel exhausted, as if the life has been sucked out of me and given to the TimeWarner gods [we actually don't have cable, but you get my drift]. I just feel like a recently-salted slug), I've come away with yet another example of a (somewhat) common problem in modern televised sports. And I'll attack that presently:

I believe it was two olympiads (olympiad? olympiapod? olympiai?) ago that, during a basketball game (in which I can only assume our 30-year-old professionals were smacking around the world's star-struck 19-year olds), we were presented with the Camera-On-A-Rope, by which device the tv camera went whizzing down the length of the court, following the ball. I cannot predict what you all thought of this development (though a casual polling has led me to believe my views are pretty representative), but I found it ANNOYING and DISTRACTING. I was so conscious of the curiosity of the roving camera ("Whee! I'm on a ride at AstroWorld! I'm on a basketball rocket! I'm a Roundball Angel! I'm snorting PCP!") that I was thrown from my gametime studies. Can I get an amen?

Then there are the never-ending permutations of the football-angles (typically unveiled at the SuperGame (tm). Last year it was the Matrix-ized pause-and-swing-around-the-action effect (okay, yes, it's cool they can do that. Did it make the action more watchable or understandable? No.), and this year it was the You're-Right-Behind-The-Quarterback Effect, so much so that it produced the You're-Uncomfortable-Putting-Your-Hands-Under-Center Effect. (Did I happen to like this innovation? Well, yes I did. I like seeing the field the way the QB would, and kind of seeing what he sees his options to be. But this doesn't help my rant, so please overlook this one.) And it NEVER FAILS that in some Big Game some tv producer is constantly trying to INNOVATE with some tricky camera angle. This baffles me and drives me INSANE. What of that MORONIC Camera-In-The-Floor move from last year by which we can see up Shaquille's shorts? Hello!!?!??!?!?? THAT DOESN'T HELP ME!! It seems it never ends.

Latest violation? During yesterday's exciting Duke/XU game, there were about 8 minutes to go and it was feeling Very Important, and the camera would NOT just SHOW US THE FREAKING COURT. I contend that there will never be an improvement to the "I'm sitting at halfcourt and I can see the team's offensive setup and the entire defensive reaction" view. It just can't be improved upon. I can see the court. I can see what's happening. Maybe that's not Sexy, but it's effective. It's great. But that's not the view we were getting. We were getting shots from the sidelines ("look at the size of those boys' butts, honey! Are they really that big?"), shots from behind the players ("Wow, this is just as disorienting as actually playing basketball, where I can see one guy's back and not much else!")- and I thought the shot up Mike Krzyzewski's nose was simply gratuitous. Sure, that's what fans want, but does that make it the right choice? I liken this to the infamously silly "Overhead Cam", by which we're able to see Dikembe Mutumbo goaltending, and not much else. I mean, come on. A shot of the RIM?

My friends, we simply don't need wittier camera angles. We can see the game just fine as it is. It seems to me that all that techo-goob manpower should go to a much more necessary facet of tv sports production: the promo graphics!

Boy do I like nuts. I like any kind of nut (though Brazil nuts can be hard to extract from their greedy shells), and in any form. I like nuts on cakes and in brownies, I like chocolate covered peanuts, I like pistachios and almonds (almonds! goodness!) and cashiews (so delicious!) and hazelnuts and macadamia nuts (so luxurious!). I like Nutella. I like shredded coconut in ANYTHING. I like crunchy peanut butter (it's nuttier!), Reese's (every incarnation), and ALL trail mix-type creations. BRING ON THE NUT.

Part of my delight toward nuts comes from the fact that they're a splendid source of protein and unsaturated fats. I'm just saying- they are! And I've been told a couple of good tips which I'm going to pass along to you amigos right now:

1) never snack on carbohydrates alone. Gotta have crackers? Make it CHEESE and crackers. Want chips and salsa? Then also make a sour cream dip or grab a handful of nuts. Basically, this tip has me shoving handfuls of nuts in my mouth. WHICH IS OKAY FOR ME!

2) At about 3 pm, when you have post-lunch hunger pains, eat some nuts. There's not much there besides fat and protein, and it'll help your metabolism to keep running (=burn fat) until dinner time. Nuts are also so FILLING! I like to chew up peanuts reeeeel good in my mouth, so's to produce homemade peanut butter. This makes me feel Amish, somehow. Also, it averts the embarrassment of nutty turds. If you have nutty turds, you're not chewing enough. I'm sorry- you're not!

I have lots more HSOs about nutrition, as many of you know, but I thought I would take this opportunity to sing the praises of the nut today. Reactions? Thoughts? Disagreements? I bet everybody has a great story to tell about some wonderful experience you've had with a nut. C'mon!

I'm as interested in the kookookrazy cultural phenominon that is The Passion as the next guy (well, I guess more than the next guy. You should see the next guy, here at the workplace). I'm maybe even more interested in what its success says about the incredible times in which we live, and the fact that we live in a time where people are HUNGRY and SEARCHING for spirituality of any kind. I have a few HSOs (hot sports opinions) about this film, but here's my newest one:

IS IT TIME TO STOP HYPING IT LIKE IT'S A GRASS ROOTS, REACH-THE-HEATHEN GOSPEL EFFORT? I mean, come ON. It's now the most successful rated-R move *OF ALL TIME*, and the #1 independently-produced film *OF ALL TIME*. It's like #13 on the list of highest grossing films EVER.

So it's doing pretty well.

I think most people are aware of the film now, and we can stop acting like "hey, we really need pastors to get out there and make everybody buy all the weekend tickets to their cineplex 37 for the sake of people hearing about Jesus! Otherwise, this film's just going to dwindle into obscurity forever!" Now, please get me on this: I don't think it's wrong to underline the value of having every man on earth see this film- I personally think that'd probably be a good thing. I also don't resent them marketing this like a normal film- take out ad space! Buy billboards! Buy tv time! Great! But this underdog posture just doesn't... quite.. ring.. true anymore, wouldn't you say?

=On Good Friday, a full-page in USA Today will proclaim "Thank you, Mel Gibson, for making the Passion" or something like that.
=In addition to the (very successful) soundtrack, a new CD is coming out called "Songs Inspired By the Passion", including such notables as Kris Kristofferson and Nick Cave. WHY is that being made, do you think? It wasn't originally going to exist.

Again, I'm NOT against this movie. I'm certainly NOT. I'm against the money-mongers being illigetimate in their endless quest for cash. In this week's Advertising Age (the trade paper where I'm getting my facts- it lands on my desk weekly, for reasons not known to me), an article opens "The Passion of the Christ has stunned even the believers. Now the challenge is how to keep Jesus a superstar." My gag reflex kicks in at that point. I've also heard from friends that whoever got in on the Passion's email list has just received a new batch PLEADING people to go out and see it as soon as possible, so that it'll still be in full release for Easter weekend. I mean, come ON.

By the way, I wonder if sales have spiked for the worship albums associated with Giglio's "Passion". I bet so.

Here's something I've been meaning to say to somebody for a while, but can't ever find somebody to say it to. (You'll always listen, won't you Hamster Mash? You're always there to hear me when I cry, and you'll never reject me. Except that one time I brought home leftover pizza and YOU said you didn't like that kind and why didn't I think of YOU and why does it taste a little like pickles? But that was the night... I had to hurt you... to make you understand... And now I KNOW that you'll ALWAYS listen, won't you Hamster Mash?) Oh yeah- here's the thing: I've seen a new Gillette ad that makes me Sick and Sad. It's some Makin' It guy using this razor and then he goes on and on about how his life has changed due to his purchasing and applying this product. I saw it again last night and memorized the last few lines (I wish I had the whole text to better illustrate how overblown, overstated, and overwrought it is). They are:

"When every move is smooth;
Every word is cool-
I want to feel that way ALL THE TIME!"

Then we're left to assume, of course, that this Fit, Clean-Shaven Hunk has sex with the bevy of nymphs who've traipsed through the ad with him. Am I being priggish by suggesting offense in this thing? I really don't think so. Product-as-Savior is just dirty from top to bottom, but you rarely find such an odius example.

Having said all that, I must confess that after scraping my chin with their razor last night, I PARTIED LIKE IT WAS 1999, then got lucky.

Dora and I hosted a meeting in our home last night, which is something we do semi-regularly (and always aspire to be more consistent at doing). Last night marked the beginning of my regurgitation of Michael O'Shield's classic (in our world) Basics series. We talked mainly about the incredible opportunity available to us via humbling ourselves. It's the way into grace, by which everything redemptive is accomplished. Exciting stuff. I shared a phrase I use to encourage myself when I'm at that moment of crisis, when I have to decide whether I'll go ahead with something God's instructing me to do or not. I remind myself "there's money on the table. So are you gonna take it or what?" That helps me go "My misgivings have no value. The goods (grace) are on the other side of this act. I won't be turned aside."

I also loved the possibility of moving myself from one part of I Peter 5:5 (specifically, the part where "God opposes the proud") to another (where "God gives grace to the humble"). So what are we waiting for?

The best water to be had on my floor here at All World Products and Selling Things For Money is in the men's restroom, from the faucet. This means that I eschew the water fountains and various other spigots located in the kitchen, etc., and take my Styrofoam (tm) cup into the restroom. I often have no other business in the restroom except the getting of that clean, cold agua from the tap. Strange? Yes. Unsavory? Definitely. I understand from my expansive research (talking to friends, hearing rumors) that there are bits of poo that actually get into the air (come on, that's what you smell!), and in the dirty dirty restroom environment, we can only assume that they're plaguing my water, creating a doo film on the surface. But boy you can't taste it! Mm mm! Delicious water from the stall! Join me next time, won't you?