Who Put This Chicken In My Nugget?

Here's fun facts for all you raging McDonald's fans out there (go on, raise 'em high!): your whiz-bang chicken nugget is 56% corn, and also contains TBHQ, which is a form of butane! Wow! Ingesting a single gram of TBHQ can cause "nausea, vomiting, ringing in the ears, delirium, a sense of suffocation, and collapse." Ingesting five grams of TBHQ can kill.” I say light em up!

In other news, this:

Robbed! by Innovation

USA Today is the Nation's Newspaper. It's in color, it's in graspable chunks, and it doesn't posture itself as being elite or intellectual (hello, NYTimes). It just gives me info in a headline-heavy way, which is exactly how I like it. Jiff likes to read stories and GRASP and UNDERSTAND; I just want to have a cursory awareness. People don't always like this abailability-to-the-masses. My friend Ric, who's a snob in all sorts of ways, haughtily calls it the McNews. He means this as an insult. Nobody likes what McDonalds is doing to the world, and he thinks that's what's happening with USAToday. I don't.

One thing I've grown to love in the past decade is how USAToday's online layout gives me the same experience: I can look to their home page during a meeting and get an overview of the Hot Topics in the news-watching world. I have detailed here in the past how much I loathe the news at large, and if I can get some idea in 15 seconds, I'm all for it.

Well, that's all changed. They're efforting being more like a video game. There are tabs and buttons and all sorts of hiddenness that's supposed to POP OUT at you if you hit the right button. I DON'T WANT THAT. I like the page because it's all there, instantly. Bang. Done. This peek-a-boo news has to go. This is a move in the wrong direction.

So if anybody has ins with the Gannett Co., please tell them to stop with the innovation. It's counter-productive. But we've seen that before, haven't we?

Deliverance from the Spirit of Aggieland

I have 3 colleagues who attended the Saturday games in Lexington. EACH ONE OF THEM, when they saw me separately this morning, did a varation on this routine:

Colleague: Hey Stevie, what's this? [begins to gyrate in a poor re-creation of yell leader movements, always including the "kneeling roll and throw", the "sprinkler dance from Can't Buy Me Love", and "two-armed flipping the bird" movements. Hilarous laughter.]
Me: Yeah, it's weird. [Keeps walking to a meeting.]

1) I'm including this image because it reminds me of the work of Benjamin Knox, whose art annoys me.
2) This post was created while I was on the john, creating something else inscrutable.

Tourney Time II

As you may know, Ohio State (the official college of the state of Ohio. Seriously, if you don't know this... I'm told that Columbus is one of the largest cities in the U.S.andA. without a pro team, and the entire city and surroundings simply roots for Ohio State teams. I have friends who went to Miami of Ohio, Michigan State, and even Murray State who just cheer for OSU out of birthright. It's like Texas' cowboys mania except on a stranger, more incestuous scale) won a barn-burner (where'd that term come from?) over Cincinnati-based Xavier University this weekend. I was at work when this happened. When I returned home, I found out that Didi and our OSU-loving friends had already secured airplane tickets and seats in the stadium for the 6 of us to go to San Antonio this weekend to see OSU struggle with Tennessee and TAMU romp over Memphis, then the supposed clash between those two beloved franchises of the NCAA moneymaking juggernaut. Okay.

Besides the fact that I have a job where I work weekends as well as singing in a WEDDING on Friday night, this is a great idea. We can show our friends some Texas hospitality, eat some actual (not pretend) BBQ, and see my parents. But see, it's those details called OBLIGATIONS and RESPONSIBILITIES that hang me up. Right now we're trying to figure out whether I should go early and see the Thursday games (returning for the wedding and my JOB), or stay for the wedding then rush out for the (supposed) Saturday game (and neglect my JOB).

This is what fandom does to people. It's weird.

Not that I have a lot of room to talk. Just last week, I shelled out four hundred and fifty smackeroos to secure seats to see the aged Police reunion in July. here's hoping the Steve Manuel Band's latest effort sells over 100 units.

In other NCAA news,

*CREIGHTON HAS A GUARD NAMED NATE FUNK.
*tu was exposed as the poorly coached paper lions they are. Durant slows down, the molasses flows.
*Kansas could beat the Boston Celtics. That team is scary (and look MUCH better than OSU).
*Did either Memphis or Nevada looked like they belonged there? Like a few other games I saw (UCLA, Georgetown), there was a frustrating sloppiness to the whole affair, much like TAMU likes to play until Law thinks, "This is embarrassing. I should just go score right now so that we can get some points. This team isn't that great. Luckily, I am..."
*The NCAA-approved ads are quickly wearing me out. To say that the Dickie V/Hooters ad is disturbing and weird is like saying Al Skinner's turtlenecks are an unusual choice. it's like those people are all trying very hard to act happy and fun-loving. I've never been to a Hooter's but isn't that place supposed to be kind of sexy and fun, like Las Vegas in the suburbs? Those ads look strained and extremely uncomfortable. I don't want to go to Hooter's. And I don't want to buy a Chevy. EVER. And I don't want to go to Lowe's because all those stupid fans might be there. That leads me to another story:

When we were in Lexington, it was fun to see Aggies and say "howdy" and "gig em" a thousand miles away from campus. That was kind of cute. But we also ran into the same abrasive loudmouths as you see on campus (...grind), and the same people who've melded their personal identity with the corporation called Texas A&M University. Man, is that weird to see in sports. Anyhow, we met a guy named Brett who'd branded himself as the TAMU representative for the state of Colorado. He sported all the gear (hat, shirt, coaches' pullover, class ring), Aggie sunglasses (?), and an Aggie bluetooth phone sticking out of his ear (doubly questionable). He was a self-proclaimed Ski Bum, but I like to think of Brett as The Aggie Bachelor: a man who eschews traditional family life and stability for the more elusive goal of self-gratification. It was... weird. Here was a fun exchange that happened between Brett and Didi:

B: Yeah, I'm Fightin' Texas Aggie class of '84.
D: Oh, yeah. We're from the nineties. See, we dusted off our rings, too, just for this game.
B: [addled, confused] ..."DUSTED OFF our rings?"
D: [feeling other, separate] ...Uh, you were in the corps, weren't you?
B: Hell yeah, I'd have worn my senior boots if I wadn't gonna do so much walking here.
D: Oh, okay.

And that's the fun of the NCAAs for me. It's the time when not only do two ravenous fan bases come together but, like during our time in Lexington, *8* fan bases come together. You're used to hating every fan in the hallway of an arena that's not wearing your team's colors, but at these things, you have to think a while before you react emotionally.

Aggie fan sees CCSU fan: "Hey screw y..." (Wait, you guys could conceivably knock off OSU tomorrow, right? So that would presumably make our road to the finals a lot easier.) "Hey, way to go Central Conneticut State!! Kick their ass!"

Aggie fan runs into OSU-supporting friend in San Antonio: "Hey congra..." (Wait. Though I'm used to supporting my friends, I know that we might meet up Saturday, and that Greg Oden will take a crap on the entire ATM frontline, who look good in Texas and Lithuania, but femenine next to national powerhouses...) "Up yours, loserville. Hope Conley gets scarlet fever."

It's confusing. Fortunately, watching approximately 15 hours of basketball this weekend has really helped me to sort it all out.

That's enough rambling today. I won't append this post with photos; it's long enough.

NCAAs

If you think I'm posting an awful, awful lot, there's a reason: my butt is parked in front of the tournament and it ain't moving. I'm more into this year's tourney than I've even been in my life. This is due partially to the fact that I picked TAMU to win it all and nobody that's seen that pick has laughed in my face. THAT MEANS THAT SOMETHING UNUSUAL IS HAPPENING.

If I knew that all of you were paying more attention, I would have much, much more to say about what I'm seeing, but I'm imagining my audience as being Jiff: marginally interested in sports, somewhat interested in my opinions. So I'll leave my report to things like:

*Creighton has a guard whose name is Nate Funk. CREIGHTON HAS A GUARD WHOSE NAME IS NATE FUNK.

*For the first time in my life, I attended NCAA tourney games yesterday. Me, Didi, AP and APWife drove to Lexington to see Louisville completely destroy Stanford then see the Aggies escape Pennsylvania with their pride dismantled, their confidence in their 3-point shooting decimated, and their hopes of Final Four glory in the garage on those 5-foot lifts, with everybody looking under the chassis wondering why this thing isn't running right.

*At Lexington, one of the highlights of my month was running into old friends Thad Norvell and Brandon Jones (especially Thad!)--it was a joy to run into a fellow Aggie in a foreign state rooting for our team. How sweet is that?!

*My bracket is currently looking fantastic. I'm 19 for 23 right now. I didn't pick VCU (but you gotta love that), but I did pick Winthrop, Michigan State, and Xavier, all upsets. I'm hoping Kentucky gets it handed to them tonight.

I'll not bore you people any more with this. Go watch those Hold Steady videos featuring Zorro again.

Ronald Is Experiencing A Dry Spell

I have known Ronnie Fauss for approx-imately 22 years. His opinions are enter-taining and his decisions are often unorth-odox. He loved the Rockets as much as I did in school. His committ-ment to Taco Cabana during college days at Baylor was renowned. His refusal to spend money when things could be had for nothing (say, the discarded chicken found in a dumpster behind Cabana in the middle of the night) is an inspiration to aspiring tightwads like myself. And it was Ronald's early adapting to the online post world that blazed the trail for the words you're reading right now. Having said all that, his page is wearing me out lately.

Ronald's readership often numbers in the 20s or 30s, which is sizeable, no? We all love his earnest reminiscences of growing up, his existential ponderings, his queso takes, and his cola critiques. We put up with his alt-country (eye roll) views and his affection for local bars. This is Ronald! We love the guy! What he's killing me with in the last couple of weeks is his obsessing over his tightest clutch of friends, 4 or 5 guys in east Dallas who play poker and who knows what else together. So his posts are all in-jokes, call-outs that could easily be accomplished by email, and lame in-talking about who's joining him at the next Mavs game and whether they enjoyed it or not. Where's the wit and quirkiness we love about the Ronald? What a waste.

Now, I'll defend all day long that it's his page and he can do what he wants with it. But it affects my life and this is MY page, so I'll complain about it here. It's self-concerned minutae, I know--but isn't that what these things were invented for in the first place?

So here's my plea to you, Ronnie: get your head out of your butt and regale us with odd stories of you dealing with people in the larger world, or tales from Accountant Cubicle World, or lambastes of Big Church Scenes. We miss you, dangit. And put your shirt on.

Hold Tight for the Hold Steady

Married couples soon develop a symbiotic relationship in many regards:

*I don't over-order at restaurants anymore, because I inevitably eat 33% of what Didi orders.
*Didi doesn't even CONSIDER what will happen to the house, yard, cars, etc., because she knows I'm on it. Likewise me toward bills and bankstuff.
*Didi doesn't want to hang around her family of origin unless I'm there, because I offer strength and objectivity where she's historically lacked it toward them.

Got it? Well, this happens with sleep, too: If one of us is exhausted and hits the sheets at 8:30, like I did Wednesday night, the other will inevitably stay up too late (like she did, THANKS LOST) reading or watching the teevee with its entertaining lights and sounds. This happened to me last night when she was asleep before I'd returned from rehearsal, so I stayed up watching the NCAA first round unfold (VCU!). What I'm saying is, when she's not around to give me the "NOW IT'S TIME TO GO TO SLEEP" signal, I watch the late night shows. Many of you know this already.

What I like it watching the late shows and their endless parade of obscure/up-and-coming/we'll-never-hear-of-them-again musical acts. It makes me feel a lot more in-touch than iTunes' New Music Tuesdays ever will (too much information, there--no time or energy to sort that out), and I like seeing acts that The Industry is tapping as a Good Decision To Put On The Air. Last night, for instance, after the games were done, I saw Cat Empire on Letterman (not great, but fun) and Golden Bear on Jimmy Kimmell (just not great).

What really gets me going is when I see an act that I haven't heard of before, but I love their stuff. This happened a couple of months ago when I saw The Hold Steady on Letterman and just LOVED their vibe. Older guys, been playing together from years, from Minnesota, now in NY, and have lyrics like:

she was a really cool kisser
and she wasn't all that strict of a Christian
she was a damn good dancer
...wasn't all that great of a girlfriend

Again, these guys are in their thirties. The lead singer, Craig Finn, does a lot of what I'd call Stylized Talking, which is surprisingly endearing to me, because I can't STAND the kind of stuff Matt Kearney does. Anyhow, I got their record "Boys and Girls in America" and really enjoy its straight-ahead, no-nonsense ROCK MUSIC (remember that stuff?): overdriven guitar, bass, drums, and piano/organ. Very, very fun music. This is what I saw and liked (keep watching so that you can hear the piano-led bridge)...


I'm gonna throw this in just because it's a cool video:


What the heck. Let's go whole hog. it's my page.

This Month's NBA History Post

Just doing my part to, once again, keep you mindful of the great moments in NBA history. A repeat appearance to this column comes courtesy of the great Akeem Olajuwon (and the one for whom this column was most likely invented):


Akeem Olajuwon's line from March 3rd, 1990: 29 points, 18 rebounds, 10 assists, and 11 blocks. That's what we call a "quadruple-double", and it's only happened 4 other times in the histroy of the NationalBA. This, however, was the most impressive performance EVER in that rarefied air, and "the Dream" is the only player to ever record two quadruple-doubles.

Mr. Olajuwon now runs his family's concrete business in Lagos, Nigeria. I think.

Same Guy!

This man can preach.

I guarantee you that the NAACP never thought it would be the transportation for the gospel. This is counterterrorism, pure and unadulterated. Delicious! Delighful! Marvelous! Wonderful!

Worlds Collide!

I kid you not. I was on Wikipedia last night, on a tip from Jiff, reading about Abigail and Brittany Hensel, girls that share a body (they look, in effect like a two-headed girl. Here's a photo:


That's not the weird part; that's just the setup. Are you with me? This is where it gets interesting. Anyhow, I'm reading about these amazing girls when I look up at the muted television and, watch me here, Jack Hanna (Ohioan) is on David Letterman showing him a TWO-HEADED TURTLE.

I was flummoxed. Then my head exploded. And replicated itself.

The Beurocrats Are Winning.

In case you didn't know this, here are some curious factiods I learned from my Hamilton County Court Clerk's office today:

- If you're getting your passport renewed, and you want your Passport Renewal to be Expedited, you can apply at the Clerk's Office. It will cost you $127 for the Expedited Passport Renewal, then another $30 for the Clerk's Office's Processing Fee (meaning, they talked at you while you were in the line, then stuck your stuff into an envelope), and (get this!) then the $14.50 in first class postage that YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE TO GET.



Correct.


You have to leave the Hamilton County Court Clerk's Office, go to a nearby post office (nearby=5 minute drive), purchase said postage, then return and hand that postage to a person who will affix that postage to what amounts to a $30 envelope you bought.

You can expect this $170 passport to be returned to you in two weeks. Turns out, though, there's another option for Expedited Passport Renewal. See below:


-If you want your Passport Renewal to be Expedited, but you don't want to pay $171.50 or wait two weeks for it, you can JUST GO TO THE POST OFFICE. The postage is $1.11. You will only pay the State Department $127. AND YOU'LL GET THE PASSPORT BACK IN 3 DAYS.



Ummm. Okay. Thanks for your help, Hamilton County Clerk's Office. While you're at it, stick it.

Same Guy!