When you're in Phoenix...

Sometimes, Didi goes on a work trip that takes her to a fabulous and swanky resort like this:

When that happens, we can sometimes go out the weekend before or after her little meeting or what have you, and live it up, since her flight was paid for, and we get the corporate rate on the swanked-up hotel room. Add to that the fact that my little lady is a terrier if/when Hertz gives us terrible service (and Hertz is, in fact, the "preferred rental car company of The Campbell's Soup Company", and would probably like to stay that way), so they subseqently give us a huge upgrade that ends up costing us no dollars:

Add to that the fact that I made my trip on a buddy pass, thanks to the kindness and administrative genius of Musrat Al-Kifattarhh, and on my return flight I was mysteriously bumped up to first class after begging for an exit row for the legroom:

And you get the idea that I was pretty much, as I said, "swanked up" this past weekend.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Steven, living like a king has no place based on the scriptures. There's no admonition to luxuriate anywhere. Actually, the opposite is encouraged: humbling yourself, taking the lower place, putting others first, etc."

Yeah I know.

So anyway, I had several thoughts after living this high-tone lifestyle. I will share them now.

***One of the weird things that happens to me whenever I'm in a hotel room is that I'm exposed to cable television, which is strange and sometimes entertaining. I came away with these telecentric convictions:
-I have no idea how this man's face, with it's comical moustache, is still being broadcast over our nation.

-I don't think I have EVER sat through an entire broadcast version of a movie and enjoyed it. I even saw Lord of the Rings on, a movie I have historically enjoyed, and just couldn't be bothered.

-I saw Jesse Robertson on television, talking about his recent loss against the Patriots. He didn't say anything about the baseball Cardinals or Wilco or Radiohead, but I know he was thinking about those things as well.


***Wealthy people aren't better looking. They're better cared for. You will not find more handsome men, or more beautiful women, in limos vs. taxis. Some, though, would disagree with me.


***Ritzy life is overrated. I don't use the minibar, I'm no more exhiliratingly clean after a shower with two heads (!), the plush towels make me no drier, and I get the unavoidable feeling that the concierge thinks I'm a poser--that I don't belong. Yes, things are more convenient, to be sure, but cold milk is cold milk, no matter how much you pay for it or what kind of container it comes in. Jiff and I once found a motel in El Paso that gave us 2 NIGHTS for 30 BUCKS. At that low-rent joint, we still had to yank the sheets out of the sides of the bed, and retuck the lower sheet under the mattress. Same at Posh L'Hotel.
All hotels are resistant to the common, and unendingly practical, fitted sheet. They're now making sheets with elastic built right in, people!

True Truth Beats the Deceitful Lie, part MMMMLXVII

Holy smokes; I just had an incredible conversation. I'm gonna sit down and write about it so that:

-I'll have more time to think about it and savor/evaluate it, and
-you can hear this wonderful truth, as well. Recall the verse, "Whoever has blogs to download, let him comment."

Now, Dora and I have learned from God via Peb and ace and others about all this 'evil spirit' mumbo jumbo, and one thing we've learned is that the enemy will use patterns of behavior and thought to wrap a big fat chain around our necks, by which he intends to tether us to death and not-Godness. One of the commonest things I've seen in my world is a tendency toward performance: that is, a tendency to work things out for myself, engineer my own protection or provision, or to make myself feel acceptable to God and others. Not good. If you're real quick, that last sentence might have sounded like "the law" (I'm using that phrase in a pauline sort of referential way). That's because performance feeds right into the law, which is religious. And I mean religious not in a James-said-true-religion-is-taking-care-of-widows-and-orphans kind of way, but in an if-I-go-to-church-every-Sunday-I-have-a-relationship-with-God kind of empty, dirty, and deceived way.

I know I'm talking fast here, but give me some more rope.

What I'm seeing is that performance and religion are close friends, and the devil uses them often in conjunction with one another. (It's like, what are you going to put in hot chocolate, besides marshmallows? Of course it's marshmallows! Duh!? Nothing else makes much sense. They just go together!) Anyhow, another thing performance and religion have in common, besides an unspoken (or sometimes overt) appeal to the law, is that they both appeal to the mind. They put forth effort to exalt the mind as God, and to give it plenty of room to operate and hold forth. The mind, of course, is greatly gratified by this power, and wants nothing more than to hold onto it, dictate to every other part of you, and generally run the show from its control tower right behind your eyebrows.

Here's where it gets interesting. This girl I'm talking to, Jill, she says that God's just been showing her how much performance has been a part of her life, and how much she goes to God with this attitude that "if I think well, hard, and often, I can 'get God' in this moment." She said "It never works, but I always try to go to him that way. When I do, though, try to have a lot of good 'God thoughts' and intend to think so well that I end up 'in his presence', I ALWAYS feel resisted by him, as though He is saying 'Well, you just won't have me that way.' I don't play that game."

Now that much, right there, is fascinating on its own. What we basically say is, "Yes, God, having Jesus die on the cross was good in an existential, save-my-soul-and-pay-for-my-sins kind of way, but getting you RIGHT NOW is up to me and my effort. Okay... HERE WE GOOOOO!!!!!! [Giant grunting sound of religious effort here.]" Sound like anybody's "quiet time"? Sounds like mine, LOTS of times. Then we end up frustrated by that, like my friend Jill, because God just won't be had that way. You CANNOT walk down the road of performance and self-rightousness and find God at the end of that road. Ain't gonna happen. So we end up exasperated, and it feels like God's playing hard to get. Then we come to God, like the older brother in the prodigal son story, and say "hey. I'm busting my butt out here, and I can't get any attention from you. I don't feel affirmed; I don't feel like I'm the object of your affection. What gives?" And he says (now listen close to this, because it's an affront to your mind's message and methods)... "My SON [important word there. Denotes relationship that has NOTHING to do with performance. This is not an employee; it's not a soldier, or even a servant.], I AM ALWAYS WITH YOU, AND ALL I HAVE IS YOURS..." God says, "Maybe you can explain to me why you're putting forth so much effort to 'get me' when I'm always with you. That sounds frustrating to Me, too! Maybe you just need to come to the faith-based realization that I'm ALWAYS with you, and ALL I HAVE IS YOURS. You're exhausting yourself, there, kiddo, and my desire is that your lay down in green pastures, beside quiet waters, and have your soul restored. But boy are you working yourself up, here." Even when I write this stuff, I can hear/feel my spirit saying "Awwww yeah. That's what it is, Jack. I know He's always right here. I been telling you that, but you're up there consorting with your mind..."

What I'm familiar with is the feeling of giving in, of resignation, and thinking "Well, this is what relationship with God feels like. I think things, and He does or doesn't (okay, doesn't) respond, so I just do whatever I can toward him, and sit here feeling kind of neglected. Yeah... I guess this is relationship with God. Well, hallelujah I guess..." Not life. Not fullness. Not God.

Back to Jill. She told me the other branch at the end of this performance street: Defeat. "I was walking just this morning, and I was doing this stupid thing where I try to think my way into God's presence, into feeling close to Him, and I'm just feeling frustrated, like a failure [a common tendency for performers]. Because it sooo not working, this thought then runs across my brain: 'Am I even in a relationship with God?'"

Now this, I find STUNNING. I feel like Jill being honest with me outed the devil and his schemes. I was more familiar with that one branch, resignation and coping, but then Jill tells me about this other branch, where you throw your hands up and decide that, because you're not finding him with your mind, God cannot be found. Either branch is a huge win for the enemy. In either case, we're separated from the life of God. It's amazing to think that, by making a simple choice like pursuing God with my mind leading the way, I can end up being convinced that He isn't with me, He doesn't love me, and He's not engaged in my world at all--that He is unfindable. What a coup by the enemy!

Thankfully, God warned us about this road several times in the Scriptures. Here's one:

"...you should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk, in the futility of their minds, having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart; who, being past feeling, have given themselves over to lewdness, to work all uncleanness with greediness.
But this is not how you've learned of Christ, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:17-24

Thanks be to Jill, for being honest and real with me today. I'm getting it more and more. Fie on this Getting To God With Efforts brand of religious gobbledegook. More of the GOOD news, which sounds a lot more like this: "My son, I am always with you, and all I have is yours..."

And now, the rest of the story

If you're like me, you had a Bible/Christian-style meeting at your house last night, then hit a bowl of buttered pecan ice cream, before retiring to your private quarters to enjoy the Truman biography you've been working through. But somewhere amidst the Sunday night mayhem, you wanted to stop by your Emmys, believing somehow that your interest would help secure at least one award for Arrested Development. Turns out it did, so you didn't have to watch much more than a half hour to see Mitchell Hurwitz pick up his trophy for writing (I think it was the show's only award), but just the same, you made some other observations, too. Here are the unrecognized achievements of last night's broadcast:


Worst Teeth on Television: Patricia Arquette

Guy I Can’t Believe Is Still Alive: Red Buttons

Least Charismatic: Ray Liotta

Most Non-Linear Attire: trophy presenter models

Roundest Earrings on Someone I’ve Never Seen on Television Before: Halle Berry

The Way More Entertaining Than All Actors Put Together Award: Directors

Manliest Voice: Geena Davis

Funniest Name of a Creator of a Miniseries: Disk Askin

Guy I Most Wish to See an Impersonator Do: Alan Alda

Most Desirous to See Hour-Long Interviews of: Dan Rather and Ted Koppel (less so, Rather)

Least Likely to Know Who Peter Jennings Was: Jennifer Garner, Charlize Theron (tie)

Best Reminder That ‘Hosts’ Are Usually Perfunctory: Ellen Degeneres

Haw!

PodCasting it!

First off, on the post below, I decided to go with no photos, since I've been too reliant on photos for entertainment lately. So here's the jpeg everybody was waiting for:

If your name is Bobby, you were hoping for this:

Even though it makes no sense whatsoever, it speaks volumes to me, and caused me to rethink my eternal destiny. Anyhow.

Now wit that out of the way, I want to get on to Bigger Things! Let's talk about podcasts! If you're not up on the podcast, well, I don't know what to tell you. It's like a mini radio show via iTunes or PodCaster or whatever. I don't know. Go read Wired Magazine. Anyhow, when I first found these little gems, I was excited by the possibilities. I thought "oo! A shot of Al Franken's righteousness, right when I want it! ESPN dailies, with the ability to skip past the football talk! Maybe some funny or clever people, too!" Yeah, well, as we all know, the funny people hide in a cabin somewhere in rural Montana, never to seek daylight. I don't know of any funny podcasts. Al Franken will have to suffice. But I can tell you this: the podcast that's shot to #1 with a bullet is from that great online mag, Slate.


I get the weird and wacky there, I get the intriguing and the informative. Want to hear about the rise of Ranch dressing in the USA? How about the Seinfelding of modern advertising? Or about America's ever-growing fascination with self-storage? Yeah, check out the Slate podcast. I'm hyping it right here. Right now. Like Jesus Jones.

Someday, the boys down at 3Cow Turd will make a podcast, and it will be worth listening to. They will do this AFTER they write a hit movie for me to star in, though, so they'll be busy for a while. My pal Todd is also tinkering with the podcast concept. Until these ideas 'drop', however, Slate will have to do. And do! it will.

Bulls eye!

If you think I'm a fashion snob, you're wrong. Well, I don't know. Maybe you're right. I won't wear parachute pants, I won't dress up like a goth-er, and I refuse to wear eye shadow on dinner dates. So I guess I do have some lines. I do have some statutes, some prejudices, some opinions. What I don't have, though, is a need to spend a lot of money so I can look like the advertisements. I don't need that.

Having said that, there IS an establishment out there that keeps me dressed in clothing (another one of my prejudices. Did I mention that I refuse to wear discarded fruit skins or seeded sod? It's true: with me, it HAS to be clothing), and keeps me current (When I say current, I mean that I look like I belong in this generation. My belief here--and I learned this from Jorf Davenpolt--is that if I look semi-'normal', I will be more easily overlooked). That establishment used to be American Eagle Clothiers. I know that sounds crazy now, but 10 years ago, they were this little rag tag operation that passed out shirts on the cheap. Same thing with the Gap about 20 years ago (remember "fall into the gap", when they had the Levi's logo on every sign and ad? Much less high-tone back then. Very 'common man'. Also, very cheap). Well now, there is a place where fashion trends have already been sanded down to the middle (yay!), and the prices say so.

That place is Target.

I went into Target last week with my girlfriend, Didi. We picked up some laundry detergent, some milk, and some clothes. I bought a pair of pants. She bought a skirt. This same skirt was worn repeatedly on the famous September SeaTac Wedding Weekend, and she looked as good as anybody (Okay, better. I just didn't think it totally necessary to underline everyone else's inferiority when what I'm talking about is affordable clothing. I mean, this isn't all about the fact that the belle of the ball wants to bed ME. This isn't about the fact that *I* am the object of the prettiest girl you know. I mean, come on). Ahem.

Yeah, Target's got what I need. The clever/ironic 'statement' t-shirt? Sure. The 'Sunday night church' button up shirt that's not quite ready for the boardroom, but still nice looking? Of course. Cargo pants from 2 years ago? Natch. Jackets that say I've been to other cities to buy them? Uh huh. Target's got it all.

So let's stop the charade, people. No more of this "oh I've got to go around to 12 different shops looking for the IDEAL outfit for me! I'm so rare and unusual! I have a 'style' all my own! I can't conform!" Inflated self-opinions are exhausting. We know it's true. Come back down to earth, humans. Come... to Target.

Same Singing Voice

Che-zoos!

Dateline aside, I found this too good to pass on. I have, for a while now, been interested in who I think of as Idealist Revolutionaries, and in that group I include Che, MLK, Jr., Malcolm X, Ghandi, and even John Lennon. These people believe in something so doggedly that they'll go to the mat (or to the grave, if need be) for that which they believe. Their beliefs may be foolhardy (such as Lennon's pointless commitment to "love", however one defines it, or Schweitzer's "the sanctity of every living thing") but there is often a dearth of zeal in modern times. I rather respect that degree of boldness and faith, regardless of its object.

I do not simply include "world changers" in that list. For instance, what I read of Adolph Hitler makes me think of him as an insecure coward, who only knew how to manipulate fear, because it was the world he lived in. That's no good to me, and I'm not interested in what makes those kind of people tick. I'd rather be ignorant of evil. But these passionistas? Yeah, I dig that.

As for the image above, I like anything that will challenge the silly, simplistic notions of Christ in the marketplace. This image suggests that he wasn't merely a peaceful philosopher, but a revolutionary (which he undebatably was) and that he was an outspoken malcontent. I might not agree with all that implies (malcontent? Maybe too strong. Strong, socially deviant beliefs? Unquestionably), but I sure like piquing people's preconceptions.

Blowhard Review For Everyone!

Allow me the crass opportunity to capitalize on the tragedy in the south to harp for a minute about one of my pet peeves: Stone Phillips. He is, to me, the king of the smug breed of television news "personalities" (ha) who rush out to the latest crisis ["ON THE SCENE!"], then act like they 1) understand what's going on, 2) have some answers, and 3) are compassionate in a Can't-You-See-The-Concerned-Look-On-My-Face? My-Word-I'm-Positively-Presidential-Here! kind of way. These people make my eyes cross. I am very, very interesed in whatever coverage the news media can give me about New Orleans, Houston, the surrounding areas, and refugees trapped by horror. Unfortunately, I have to work through all the faux concern of Phillips and his ilk. Let's throw John Quinones and Matt Lauer (not pictured) under that same bus. I have repeatedly wanted to smack these man and their self-satisfied egos. Gagola. Okay, there. I said it. Selah.


By the way, I'm crazy about Ann Curry, also pictured.

In Memorium

Earlier this week, the short-lived trend of the slant stripe shirt was massacred by the Gap's new fall line, which features, once again, the vertical stripe. "Hey, it was a great run," said the sideways stripe shirt pictured above, when informed of his impending death. "We did something nobody ever did before. Who would think of a diagonal stripe? ...Everybody hopes for 15 minutes of fame, and we had something like 18 months. Clubs, bars, dancefloors--we had it all. Don't cry for me, people. I have no regrets. Let's remember the good times." The shirt was subsequently dismantled and resewn into men's boxers.

Gap has issued a statement that it will be pushing the Male Capri harder than ever, as of now.

On the Money Trail

This is from the mind and research of my pal Brian. It's too good to not share. The Thads among us will particularly enjoy this kind of thing. Mehopes. Mehopes.

Through its different brands, The News Corporation (Rupert Murdoch) brings us:

The NIV Bible

The Purpose Driven Life

The Case for Christ
Willow Creek Resources

And also,

“How to make love like a porn star” by Jenna Jamison

“Goddesses in every woman” by Bolen

John Dominic Crossen and his Jesus Seminar work
The Playboy Channel
Direct TV pay per view Porn

In the end, it doesn’t matter whether you buy something from Rick Warren or Bill Hybels or the former chair of the Jesus seminar or the latest hot porn action on pay per view--it all goes to the same place. I’m not sure how Saddleback or Willow Creek or Zondervan rationalize this, but Murdoch is brilliant. He’s selling bullets to both sides and enjoying the war.