Unequal Grace

Now HERE's a weird one. In Matthew 25 God says, " 'Take the talent from [the guy who buried his] and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

What's weird about this is how this can lead us into a weird place of performance (like interpretations of lots of scriptures can do). We think "So God wants me to take the talents he's given me and use them, because if I don't I'm going into this darkness place which sounds like it TOTALLY SUCKS!" Yeah. But that talent stuff is the issue. If talents are money, then you sure better start giving it to the poor. If talents are actual talents, then you sure better find a way to only do Accounting for Jesus or Electrical Engineering for Jesus. I don't know where these particular jobs might be, but somewhere in Atlanta or Dallas I'm sure you could find them. Anyway, that's not what I believe the 'talents' are.

I understand the talents to be portions of God's grace. This is at first glance problematic, because we tend to think there's "saving grace all-the-way-with-no-stopping" or no grace at all, But the scriptures indicate that there are various amounts (and maybe even qualities) of grace. Ephesians 4:7 says, "but to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it." So there are different sizes of grace packets for each of us. That helps me not judge you, because how do I know how much God's given you? This is in line with "to whom much is given much will be required." The obvious insinuation is that there are people to whom "not much" has been given as well. Joyner tells the story of the begger in heaven who's seated on a throne simply because it took all the love and grace God had given him to avoid kicking a kitten while he was alive on earth. So there are different responsibilities and different amounts (or types) of God's grace. No matter how much of this grace we've been given, though, we WILL be judged based on how we received it. If you let God's grace lay fallow, hiding it away or simply denying it, you WILL be cast away. That's a flat rejection of the cross. God offers grace and you take a pass--you choose instead to rely on your efforts or put God off so that you can live for yourself. Darkeness awaits you. BUT! if you USED God's grace-- exercised it, applied it, maximized it--you will be applauded by God and more grace will be given to you. God LOVES it when people continually call on Him to be their Savior, their Healer, their Delieverer, their Rock, their Strong Tower, their Defence, their Father, their Friend, their Counsellor, etc. etc. etc. He delights in it so much, this attitude of people who say "you have good things for me God? Then BACK UP THE TRUCK because I'm a perfect object for your forgiveness and your redemption and your love!" that he will lavish them with more and more and more of himself.

This is a wonderful thing I'm talking about here. And the stunning thing about religion is that it gets you to work so hard that you simply no longer need God. That's actually one of the goals of "being a good Christian", a phrase that makes no sense to me whatsoever. It's that we get so good and cleaned up that we have no need of a Savior. Darkness, anyone?

Oh hell no! Literally. Instead, dear friends, we will THROTTLE as much of God's grace as we've been given, and we will EXPECT to recieve more and more of it, as we enjoy it and apply it and give it away and send it back to him.

Spread it around. There's plenty more where that came from.

Same Guy!

Carson Daly and Robbie Williams.

Don't ask me where these come from. They pop into my head.

Hot Tunes!

1) Comic Book Hero just appeared on iTunes! Alrighty then!

2) Borat is hyping a soundtrack. Click the title above for goodness.

SLOTM LIVES!

Many of you are freakin IGNORANT that, in my efforts to slowly take over the Inner Net, I have partnered with 3 locals to create yet another write-and-be-read site. I am going to deal with that ignorance now.

The dream is called the Scary Lunch Of The Month club, or SLOTM. It is an important adventure. It works thusly: we four take turns in monthy directing the team toward the shadiest eating establishments we can find, go and eat whatever they have on offer, then review it. That's it! Simple!


Well, sure, you can come stop by www.slotm.blogspot.com monthly if you WANT to, and that will be fun and nice, and I hope you have a good five minutes there, but what this is really about is the DREAM. I encourage EACH of you to develop a SLOTM in your own home town, so that SLOTM2.blogspot.com and SLOTM3.blogspot.com will exist someday soon. Then we will be keeping terrible eating establishments afloat all over the world! Is that exciting or what?

Cardinal Zen, this is an optional activity for you, as creating a SLOTM club in your neck of the woods could conceivably lead to death or paralysis.

Poop Guide

So what if this was actually a forwarded email from Wunder. So what? It's great!

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Unfortunately, I don't qualify.

More of that Prosperity Gospel!

Let me say this once and for all:

I strenuously believe in the Prosperity Gospel. There, I've said it. Take your potshots gentlemen, lob your theological grenades at me, or merely relegate me to the dung heap of the Redeemed Yet Ill-Informed. Do your worst. (That's always a fun thing to say. Even type!)

Today I fly my colors high: I DO believe that those who give themselves fully to God, who seek him with all their hearts, who dare to approach him based on the terms he's laid out WILL, indeed, prosper. I believe those people who will talk to him frankly and without guise will see him and experience him. And they will have the Life that is truly life. They will prosper the very most. Yes, it's God's intention to prosper EVERY SINGLE PERSON that comes to him and believes on his son Jesus. Mmm hmm!

This man is a preacher.

The thing is, my friends, I take GREAT ISSUE with that which we define as prosperity. I understand what your values are when, to you, prosperity=cash. Time Magazine had a big article some time in the last month regarding preachers of money, figuring Creflo Dollar (he of the Rolls-Royce and private helicopter evangelism) and our very own Joel Osteen as drivers in this ideological economy. In my Bible, I see experiencing God, and the resultant fullness, pictured as angels in jail cells, public lashings, and communities that are so devoted to one another that they sell all their stuff and hold property in common. Weird. Challenging. Partially attractive. PROSPERITY. This is the life which is TRULY life, NOT the phony life that the world pawns on us. Sound somewhat fearsome to you? Yeah, me too. Sound like a very different kind of life? Sound like a whole other Kingdom? Yeah.

This man is reading Time Magazine

I was thinking today about that creepy passage in Deuteronomy 5 where the freakin' ELDERS of the Israelites get together and tell Moses, "even though we've seen God and heard his voice, we don't think we could take much more or we'll die. Everybody knows you can't hear God's voice and keep living. We would much rather YOU hear God's voice, and just tell us what he says. That way, WE KEEP SURVIVING." Nice, jackasses. Save that hide.

And I'm thinking, wouldn't you rather see God and die, than miss him and keep surviving? Wouldn't you rather have this wild, consuming LIFE for maybe a few years then just go on home to eternity, than just fritter away on the back porch for 78 years? That's not even a debate for me. I'm sure that sounds arrogant, and I'm sorry if it does, but it seems that this should be a settled issue for anybody who'd ever represent themselves as a disciple of a man who willingly died on a cross at the age I am now, hanging up the ambitions around career, family, reputation, and all possessions.

I mean, this is an off-beat fellow.

I've always been haunted by Hebrews 10:31, which says it's a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. I take that to mean that it's heavy; it's a life-changer. It's grave. I DON'T see that as something to be avoided. I read that as a sign over the gateway to intimacy with God, and the sign says, "abandon EVERYTHING, all ye who enter here." That reads, to me, exactly like all Jesus's language in Luke 14 about what being a disciple entails. This is not news to me. It used to be, back when my whole grid of the God picture came out of preacher's mouths, but we have Time Magazine to show us the folly of THAT tack.

So onward and upward, Prosperity Gospel! Go from strength to strength! May you have converts here and abroad, both now and in the days to come! And may all who dare to come near the God-Man of Ravishing Grace be snatched out of the half-life and into Joy Eternal! Hallelujah and come on back, Lord Jesus!

Woe to us all.

So, Church Leaders Out There in TeeVee Land, I have to agree: Jesus DID talk about money quite a bit. Yes. He did. He DID say that people loved their dough so much they'd go to hell for it. He DID seem to back up Paul's line that the love of cash blooms into a whole world of sin. Yes, yes yes. But here's the thing, you split-tongued deceiver:

Jesus had nothing to gain from what he said. Jesus is what you call a Shepherd, and good shepherds never personally profit from what the sheep produce. Their satisfaction comes from knowing they were faithful to the Owner of the sheep, and from the self-fulfilling reward which is love, in that they love the sheep well. Jesus's teaching on money profited the poor, as well as the giver who came to see God via generosity. YOUR teachings, you televangelist you, profit YOU. Kinda makes the whole thing suspect, don't it?

Random Thoughts on Freedom

Galatians 5:1- "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."

The goal of freedom is freedom.
The end of freedom is FREEDOM.
The glory of freedom is the Glory of Freedom.
Freedom is open-ended. It is not intended to produce anything. It is not a tool or a method or a means. It is not open to evaluation or judgment. It wants application but not interpretation. Freedom is like a good set of lungs.

Freedom has a thousand million enemies, the worship of freedom among them.

Is there anything more inspiring, more nerve-igniting and more exultant than the John 9 dance of the recently freed?

Freedom CAN be had. But, far too often, it is conceded. It's volunteered to the guillotines of personal politics, reputation, feeling understood, or being thought wise. Sadly, it can also be traded in for money.

Freedom is knowing who is telling you what to do. Or knowing who you'll listen to.

I have the freedom to rebel, to sin, to reject, and to tear down. I demand those, or I am not free. And if I'm any less rejoiced in and accepted in those moments when I am counter-productive, like the 2-year-old at the restaurant, I am not free. Freedom is bad politics.

The only reason we have the word freedom is because that concept and state is threatened. When it was all there was, it didn't exist. When it was challenged and defied, though, the ideal sprang up as central. So will we use the concept of God in Heaven, or will He be so present that he is part of our unnamed assumption? So the fact that we use this word is an indicator that we are in a struggle to get back somewhere; we want to lay hold of a formless promise we feel to have heard about but can scarce remember. Freedom is the country from which we were captured into slavery, and indeed we will return there. We will endure anything but to return there. It is our ancestral home.


I don't have to follow your rules. I don't have to struggle under your guilt.
He opens chambers in me I didn't know were there.
Membership is a burden I wasn't meant to bear.
There is no direction in freedom.
I find no protection in boundaries.
I am open to your hating me.
This longing toward freedom is a sign that I was made.