It's warming up in the midwest. The grass (and weeds. MY GOD the WEEDS!) is making its annual comeback, people are working in their yards like it's their job, and the hopeful are even considering shimmying into swimsuits. Well, if you're walking barefoot down to the swimming hole, and all you've got is a straw hat and some icy Grape Nehi in your satchel, I suggest bubble gum as a companion for the journey. Bubble gum is a classic minor indulgence, to me. It's truly one of life's teeny-tiny pleasures. So rifle through those baseball cards (see product #6), set your garden hose to Stun, and let's start VC’s
Summertime Bubble Gum Review!
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We’ve decided that there are really four major categories by which any bubble gum can (and should) be judged:
*Presentation. This includes packaging, color, and how the gum is delivered. This matters. If you don’t agree, then you think au gratin is mashed potatoes is French fries.
*Initial Experience. That first 30 seconds, what happens inside my mouth? Is it bitter because of packaging powder? Is it grainy? How chewy is it up front?
*Bubble-Blowing Capability. It’s called, after all, BUBBLE gum. I’m a believer in the bubble blowing. Get Juicy Fruit if you just want to chew (seriously. Get it. I don’t know what that flavor is they’ve come up with over at Wrigley, but it’s delicious). Also, you should know that we’ve limited the review to “original” bubble gum flavor. The neon or mouth-staining tones preferred by 11-year-olds are not represented here. Purists only.
*Duration of Quality. Simple stopwatch method, here. How long does the goodness last? Probably not very long, but I’d rather invest my bubble dollars on something that will last over 3 minutes.
Those are the criteria by which the gums shall be judged. Let’s hop to:
1) Super Bubble- This and Dubble Bubble were the most common bubble gums of my youth. These were found in generous supply at barber shops, youth events, and in Halloween bags. I’m going to let Super Bubble stand in for them both. Its blue-and-yellow swirl packaging is iconic and a standard in the bubblegum world.
1) Presentation- I remember this being more of a cube of gum, whereas Super Bubble has moved on and now gives us a suppository-shaped tube. I could’ve said ‘hot dog’, I guess, but you only get honesty here at VC, and I’m not a fan of candy in this shape (never really been a Mike and Ike/Red Hots guy for that reason).
2) Initial Experience- Wow. This flavor really does take me back. I think, for some reason, of going to the general store in Iola, Texas, and putting this gum on my uncle Kennth’s tab, which was about the most amazing thing in the world to me. I’m surprised that, in about two minutes, it turns bitter. Disappointing. BITTERLY disappointing, if you will. I think you probably will. I should also add that SB was the only bubblegum that actually stuck to my teeth, which is extremely off-putting. This immediately reminds you that you should NOT be chewing bubble gum. This may be true, but it’s very unpleasant to consider.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- Just terrible. I’m really surprised: in my memory this was a terrific bubblegum. SB has an interesting quality in its consistency, and it’s something that you see in many bubble gums, but it’s going to be tough to describe: this gum has a taffy-like makeup, but when a bubble is blown, suddenly it’s the thinnest material around. It’s like when frogs blow out their chests while they’re croaking (I’m sure there’s a term for that. I won’t bother to look it up)- one second they’re frog-thickness, the next they’re the thickness of a page from the Bible. I’m calling this quality Gum Surface Tension, and SB’s is the pits. No good.
4) Duration of Quality- Well, ‘quality’ is a strong term with Super Bubble, but let’s just say that the experience you have with this gum is absolutely gone in 8 minutes. It’s a stringy mess in there. Get it out of my mouth.
2) Bubble Yum- I remember loving this gum in jr. high. It was just fun and soft. I mean, the title says YUM, right?
1) Presentation- The package is bigger than ever, with the gum loaded in an unwieldy rectangle instead of the Rolo-style shaft. Also, the packaging now features a duck wearing a nose ring (their mascot?), which is a really disturbing image. Does this cartoon help move gum?
2) Initial Experience- Bubble Yum really surprised me, as it has an amazingly gritty texture at the outset, as if all the sugar in this gum is still granulated. I don’t prefer this uneven sensation; I find it off-putting like an overripe apple. I will say, though, that for a good 30 seconds, this gum is delicious.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- All you’d want in this department, at least for the first five minutes (It goes without saying, for the remainder of this review, that all these gums are going to be really good for about five minutes, then they’re going to sigNIFicantly drop off in taste and performance. This is bubble gum we’re talking about, not chiraz.) I also have to mention, here, that blowing bubbles with gum that still contains sugar bits throughout is a little weird.
4) Duration of Quality- Bubble Yum loses its steam quickly. In about the time it takes you to work the sugar down, the thrill is gone. Give it 8 minutes and move on.
3) Bubble Tape, by Hubba Bubba- Hubba Bubba has a long history associating itself with the old west, dating back to its
“Gumfighters” ad campaign, which I thought was prêt-ty cool back in the day. I would’ve watched that MOVIE! That cowboy reference point has stuck with me, somehow (maybe in part because ‘Bubba’ is a very country/Texas word), and Hubba Bubba has added to its lore in recent years when it introduced us to gum-from-a-holster:
1) Presentation- CRAZY about this presentation. In this wonderful gum-as-tape format, I can choose how much of this junk I want in my head. The case is hard plastic (the only bubble gum with this packaging) so they have the freedom to make nice, soft gum without it doing the mash-together. A gum holster!
2) Initial experience- The Bubble Tape packaging system necessitates a powder for separation, since it’s coiled up inside the holster. So, you have to work through that flour-y intro for maybe 10 seconds. The gum itself, though, is instantly soft and smooth. There is nothing grainy about this gum. Niiiiiice.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- This is a bubble blower’s gum, all the way down the line. Once you give the gum maybe a minute to congeal into it’s terrific consistency, it’s full steam ahead on bubbles. And the ability to blow bubbles lasts quite a while.
4) Duration of Quality- Bubble Tape gives us a strong 25 minutes of sweet chaw. That’s pretty much when the flavor has gone from the gum, but it’s still ready to blow bubbles—it simply doesn’t turn to rubber, which is an engineering marvel, if you ask me.
4) Trident- Their whole deal was that doctors just freakin LOVED it, so I grew up thinking that there was a medicinal aspect to
Trident (I still have that in the back of my mind), which made me not want to chew it for fun. For fresh breath, sure: we’re talking about germs and bacteria and cleanliness. But for bike riding and driveway basketball and blowing bubbles? Trident doesn’t really spring to mind, for me. I include it in this review just for fairness’ sake.
1) Presentation- Everybody knows this, but I’ll say it anyway: for bubble gum, the portions are JUST TOO SMALL. It’s a joke. Two pieces are REQUIRED, three are optimal. Also, Trident has moved to the side-opening package these days (something increasingly popular among minty gums), so that pulling out a stick of gum reminds one of grabbing a crayon or choosing a pastel. It’s fairly convenient, but always seems out of place, to me.
2) Initial Experience- For about five seconds, Trident is smooth and tasty. But here it comes… that overwhelming chemical taste. That doesn’t help my perceptions of Trident being somehow antiseptic. Less enjoyable than you’d hope. That chemical patina never ebbs, unfortunately.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- Trident scores very low on GST, as it completely loses itself when a bubble is blown. The wad itself is thick to the point of being tough, but the bubble is super thin and fragile. Unacceptable. Terrible wad-to-bubble thickness ratio.
4) Duration of Quality- If you like medicine so much that you want to incorporate it into your recreation, then you should a) look into professional baseball, and b) chew as much Trident Bubble Gum as possible. This taste and tough consistency is rather resilient, lasting upwards of 20 minutes. Knock yourself out, there, champ.
5) Big League Chew- Now see, this stuff is what I would ride my bike to the Circle K to purchase with lifeguard money. I have a long history with this product, and have held it in high esteem for decades, now. This was a special treat growing up, and still feels like one, now. (I remember the song from
this ad EXACTLY.)
1) Presentation- What can you say? A bald-faced reference to tobacco and baseball? How much more perfect can its branding be? Well, actually, I do have an opinion, there: the animated characters have always seemed too jokey and far-fetched, to me. If you want to go throwback with the baseball/tobacco thing, give me a little dignity in the artwork (pinstripes?). It just seems incongruous to me, but I know that’s strange to say. The real magic, here, is the thin strips of gum, all thrown into a pouch, so that, like Bubble Tape, the consumer decides how much he’ll enjoy at any given time. The only problem with this presentation is that, like loose-leaf tobacco (my uncle always takes a pouch hunting and fishing), time can create a melding of the strands, leaving you with a huge lump of gum, which is uncool. But taking a wad of these thin strips then bringing them under control into a chaw is a wonderful sensation.
2) Initial Experience- I’m surprised, not having had it in a while (you can typically only get BLC at sporting goods stores and the occasional Bed Bath & Beyond), that there is an unmistakably chemical tone to this gum as well. It almost comes across as too liquid, also. This is not something you battle with a bouncier gum, a la Bubble Tape. But it is incredibly smooth.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- Of course, out of the ‘ballpark’ (HA! Get it?), but I will say that the bubbles are a mite thin and sticky. I could see how a youngster could get this stuck on his face, hair, and clothes no problem.
4) Duration of Quality- I want to throw in here that, like Bubble Tape, BLC congeals into a nice boucy consistency in about 2 minutes. And for a solid half hour, you’re blowing strong bubbles without jaw pain. Nice work, BLC.
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6) Bazooka Bubble Gum- We might as well throw in every stick of dirt that accompanies baseball cards, and basketball cards, here. It’s all the same. And holy Moses, it ain’t pretty. This was the joke gum of my youth. We all liked the character they created with Bazooka Joe (he’s a funny rebel! Who can’t get behind that?), but land sakes, what are they using him to peddle? By the way, they have a nice
website for such a crap product.
1) Presentation- The Bazooka I found for this review was in a little loaf, Bit-O-Honey style, with the wrapper twisted up on both sides (like the photo above). Neat new logo. Unbelievably hard. I could’ve used it to re-hammer some nails on my fence that’ve come loose.
2) Initial Experience- The only gum to actually induce self-loathing immediately upon consumption. This stuff is hard, hard, HARD, and tastes like cherry cough syrup. It’s also grainy, which I didn’t expect.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- Don’t kid yourself. This stuff has a Gum Surface Tension of -5. It breaks when you try to establish a tongue groove in it, much less blow a bubble. A ridiculous bubblegum insult.
4) Duration of Quality- To my amazement, Bazooka’s taste and bounce hung in for all of 6 minutes. I was expecting 4.
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The gum I recommend for you this summer is: Bubble Tape, by Hubba Bubba. So good, I gave it the title link.
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Afterthought 1: Bubblicious. I remember kind of shying away from this gum as a youngster, which was probably deeply intertwined with their colorful, futuristic advertising campaign: “
The Ultimate Bubble has the ultimate flavors.” It seemed like they were going for too much, to me, and I had no interest in being sucked into outer space by blowing a bubble. Other than that, I can only say that it seems, based on its name, vaguely feminine, which is a turn-off. I rarely ever purchased this brand. But I was surprised, in preparing for this post, to find that, if there's a regular-flavored Bubblicious out there, I can't locate it. All their flavors are outrageous and WILD! ...and turn your mouth blue. Too bad.
Afterthought 2: Fruit Stripe Gum.This was called ‘bubble gum’, but I’m not sure why. They never had ‘bubble gum’ flavor (it’s weird stuff: grape, cherry, “cotton candy”?, and ‘mixed fruit’ which I guess means “trust us, kids. It’s sweet, okay?”), and trying to blow a bubble out of this hard, grainy gum is a fool’s errand. Ain’t happening. I will say that printing stripes on a stick of gum is brilliant, and I also like the kind-looking zebra on the package, although 1) As a kid, I confused him with the Toys R Us mascot, Geoffrey (who was the only non-brit I ever came across who spelled his name that way), and 2) I heard he was run up on pedophilia charges in the late 80s, which was a shocking disappointment.
