Wednesday, June 18, 2008

VChew Exclusive Interview!


Steve Manuel: Kobe Bryant, my goodness, it's really you. So... you didn't play great in this series, huh?

Kobe Bryant: I tell you who didn't play good was Brian Scalabrine. Did he even get in a game? That's a [censored] joke, there.

SM: I think he might be injured... but that's not what I'm talking about. Tell me about how YOU played.

KB: Kobe knows what he has to do in any given situation. There are other people around this... vicinity... who might not be doing all THEY can do to insure... it's just not championship-caliber, around here.

SM: Do you feel that YOU were championship-caliber?

KB: Kobe wears several rings. So you tell me.

SM: Well, I mean, I'm interviewing you in hopes that YOU will tell ME things. Let's talk about your shooting percentage for this series... you had some clunker games?

KB: Boston Celtics prevent Kobe from playing the kind of ball Kobe likes to play. Kobe likes to inbound the ball to Kobe, dribble down with some crazyass spin move right around Red Auerbach's signature, make a bounce pass inside to Kobe, then have Kobe dribble-drive, sucking in like 4 defenders, and uncorking a mad no-look pass to a slashing Kobe who throws it down with AUTHORITY over Paul Garnett or whatever that man is.

SM: Those are different... What you're describing is impossible, Kobe.

KB: Not finished. Kobe inquires of Kobe as to what our cap space looks like and maybe WE should get one o those PJ Allens for THIS squad up in here. But Kobe says we got all we gon' NEED right there on the court. Kobe's diagramming some sweet plays, Kobe's got that ankle injury behind him, and Kobe hits that fadeaway 3 off the rebounds Kobe snatches up inside.

SM: ...

SM: What's the player's name on your team that wears the women's athletic headband?

KB: Only one name you need to know on this crew. Kobe.

SM: Is that the name of that player, the European who plays with his hair and makes an occasional 3?

KB: Yeah, that's what I'm saying... Does he score? Then his name's Kobe.

SM: So... do you believe that you are EVERY person in this organization?

KB: You don't get it. Kobe flies the plane, Kobe makes the team meals, Kobe tapes up ankles, Kobe gets ready for photo opportunities after games with Kobe and takes care of those two sweet little Kobes, and Kobe sweeps up after games, man.

SM: Oh... so... you think that you're every person you SEE. You're every person you come in contact with. ...who won the NBA Finals this year?

KB: Yeah, NBA Finals. That's it, right there. One magic moment, you know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about one chance to shut them all up, so them who's really great. I'm talking about beatin up the bully. Man, ANYTHING is possible.

SM: You're starting to sound a lot like Kevin Garnett. Um... what IS the name of the tall guy that plays for Boston? He's got a crazy long neck, wears a baseball hat REALLY low, howls at the moon... do you know his name?

KB: Whoo! It's an amazing thing, to silence all the critics. People say Kobe's selfish, Kobe's insensitive, Kobe's ding-a-ling not under control, or whatever. But one day, when they ARE Kobe, we'll see what's going on then. Kobe plays basketball.

SM: Wait, Kobe... are you in the process of absorbing people into your persona on a regular basis?

KB: Tel you who resists Kobe: Eddie House's kid. Dude's got a demon in him or something. Freaky dude. Won't become Kobe.

SM: Um... how long does it usually take for you to meet someone then incorporate them into your ego?

KB: You listen to me, Kobe. On the next play, I will give you a look, and THAT means that you set a pick for Kobe... Kobe...?

[interviewer slips through security and jogs away]

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Anybody got $1,000?

This game looks absolutely unbelievable. I LOVE the way it moves and is put together. Just.... love... this. It comes out in the fall and it's called Big Little Planet. It's Mario reborn. I hope it's as funny/clever as it is cute.


The realism captured here reminds me of an innovative game created by one of my artistic heroes, Doug Tennapel, which was called the Neverhood, which was made with claymation (why aren't there more video games shot frame-by-frame like this? Oh, I guess because it takes 5 years to make...

In the Eyre Tonight


As you may have guessed, heard about, or read on the internet, I love my wife. And as my normal sabbath rest-day was eaten by a 4 1/2 hour home church meeting and resultant encounters with drag queens (I'm telling you- watch out for true community! You don't know where that stuff will lead! If you're a fan of the tame and predictable, I encourage a rock-hewn Church Membership and a play for Sunday School Attendance lapel pins.), me and the missus were due for a night of rest. So last night I laid down my life in the greatest gesture of love any man can give to a woman: we forewent any REAL hope of entertainment and watched an Emily Bronte movie.

I don't want to overstate this, but I may be the single greatest husband ever to march across God's midwestern grass.

So we watched the BBC's Jane Eyre from 2006, a massive, sprawling piece weighing in at 4 hours, splayed out over 2 discs. It featured cold, stony portraits of England (when your story is set in the 1840s, there isn't much of an alternate), LOTS of kissing (my God! The kissing! I honestly don't know that I've ever seen so much kissing in one evening. It's extremely off-putting and made me surprisingly uncomfortable to watch. It was rough), and a never ending, but-then-there's-this-OOTTHHEERRR-guy kind of plot that rambled and expanded and wouldn't leave well enough alone.

Having said all that, I had to confess to myself at the end of it all that I quite enjoyed it.

This was originally a miniseries on BBC but, at last, all the loose ends were tied up (will you match it, LOST?) and the relationships were resolved out of question and tension. They did a nice job of jarring us into a new setting (several times) then catching us up and effectively answering the questions the plot had planted. And it ended right, which was nice.

This girl has the kind of fishy top lip that only Angelina Jolie could love.

This is all well and good, but I write today because I made a comment to Didi that found resolution for me this morning. When being exposed to the rigid class structure in the story, and the bondage accompanying it (for instance, travel is an impossibility, as is being social with any but your same-tier colleagues, exploration of the marketplace, exposure to the arts, etc. etc.), I was struck with the unusual time and place we (you and me) live in. For most places in most of human history, you were bound, by where you were born, to a very specific strata, in a very specific place. People find themselves in a context and that's it. You live with what you're given, and most die with no greater knowledge or freedom than that of their contemporaries, or maybe even that of their parents. The strictures presented are lived between and died under.

But England, my friends, is bigger than Thornfield Hall. Much bigger.

This morning, while praying against religion, I had the same thought. A child will be born in Africa today, and that child will live her whole life under the searing heat of exported Anglicanism. Her conception of love, law, freedom, truth, God, man, meaning, and power will be defined by the tight-knit doctrine foisted upon her in that religious context. And unless God Himself intervenes, she will die with no greater a canvas than is ready-made for her. Again, a boy will be born into a Baptist environment in Louisiana, and unless God (or man moving in God's heart) inserts Himself, that boy will not know God's Spirit, will live under the oppression of the law, and die without ever having really tasted that which Jesus died to give him. My friends, I give you the power of religion.

And God is bigger than that. Much bigger.

The examples are broader than what I'm presenting, and the stakes are certainly higher than in the Bronte story, but it was a reminder this morning, and I was grateful. Grateful for the ways God's inserted (and will be inserting) himself into the prisons I was born into, and motivated to go walking around my life with a big set of keys, looking for hearts to unlock. I hope I meet a guy in Kroger today. I hope I meet a girl on the train in England in August. I hope I have a meaningful email correspondence with a teen today. I hope God gives me an entrance into the soul of one of my friends later this week. Everybody's been born into a prison, and everybody needs to be busted out of it.

Remember when Jean Jacque Rousseau said "Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains"? Yeah, that guy was an idiot.

Monday, June 16, 2008

I Had Dinner With This Man


And what I mean is, we ate 5 tables away from one another.

But I think I ate more than he did, and I think he was kind of impressed. He acted like he wasn't, and I acted like I was unaware that he was acting.

Then the drag queen began to prophesy to me.


My friend Christine had this idea to go set up a tent at the Tr-State Pride Festival, simply praying for people. Christine likes people who're hurting, desperate, and outcast--she is like Jesus in this way. I joined her today. Here are three vignettes:

1- I prayed with Frank, who just left the board at a large local Christian Church. I asked him if they knew he was gay, and he assured me they did. He left because it was religious, phony, and political. When I prayed that all bitterness and religious filth would be removed from him, he was grateful and in agreement, saying that he'd been on the receiving end of plenty of condemnation in the name of Jesus.

2- I met Joseph, who'd been part of a mass marriage under Sun Myung Moon and produced a son, Elijah.  His marriage dissolved, and as I prayed for him to be freed and clean, and that nothing would hinder him from receiving the pure love of Jesus, he jerked/convulsed a couple of times, which I took to be a good sign.  His hands were in the air, and he repeatedly said things like "thank you Jesus.  We need you, Jesus."  When I met with 15-year-old Elijah, I found him to be incredibly perceptive and sincere in his search for truth.  So I shared the gospel with him, and he gladly received that Jesus said he was the only way to the Father in Heaven.  Then he joined me in laying hands on his father, Joseph, and we prayed for him again.

3- I sat down with Miss Viagra Falls, the 2008 Entertainer of the Year in Cincinnati.  When I mentioned being condemned in the name of Jesus, he said "whatever you're thinking when you say that--gossip, evil looks, insults, etc.--I've been on the receiving end of.  I grew up Pentecostal and they don't mess around..."  So I prayed for MVF, and when I was done, his eyes were rolled back in his head and he was feeling around for my head.  Then the drag queen began to prophesy to me, speaking a lot of accurate, God-honoring words over me.  "The law of the LORD is righteous and true, and is love," he said.  "Religion will try to form you into its image, but God says you mustn't ever leave the purity of what you have right now, because THIS is the battle-ground, and THIS is the pure gospel of God.  THESE are the hurting and lonely..."  I talked with MVF about his gift, and he said in tears that he hasn't exercised it since 1993.  Christine and I prayed with him again, and he prophesied to her as well (so accurately that Christine immediately began to bawl at his dead-on words).  I thought of Romans 11:29- "God's gifts... are without repentance."  He gives gifts and simply doesn't rescend them.

Some other observations from my day:

*These people immediately know that I'm straight.  There's a level of spiritual awareness/acuity among this set that's striking.

*Among the more than 20 people I ministered to, not ONE said anything like, "this is all hogwash.  Why are you wasting my time?"  Even the Wiccan priestess I talked to was sweet to me and heard me out.  A LARGE majority of my folks said they'd been burned by religion and rejection, and DEEPLY appreciated the prayer.

* When I told these folks that I didn't do any organization (when they inquired about my church experience), and that I met in homes with people, they immediately asked if they could join in.  Amazing.  I hope to hear from 3 different people this week.

* This community is well aware of its depravity, and its need.  I felt like I was surrounded by people whose souls were open wounds, flapping in the breeze, instead of the buttoned-up, "we've got it together, we're doing fine" people in the yuppie parts of town.  Pretty easy pickings.

* I loved how one person, who's in my circle of believer relationships, moved because of something she wanted to do to spread Jesus' love.  Then others of us simply agreed with her and supported her, and we saw God too because of it.  Gee, that was easy.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I Completely Believe This Man


The high-fastening pants, to me, scream VERACITY!

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Summertime Bubble Gum Review!


It's warming up in the midwest. The grass (and weeds. MY GOD the WEEDS!) is making its annual comeback, people are working in their yards like it's their job, and the hopeful are even considering shimmying into swimsuits. Well, if you're walking barefoot down to the swimming hole, and all you've got is a straw hat and some icy Grape Nehi in your satchel, I suggest bubble gum as a companion for the journey. Bubble gum is a classic minor indulgence, to me. It's truly one of life's teeny-tiny pleasures. So rifle through those baseball cards (see product #6), set your garden hose to Stun, and let's start VC’s Summertime Bubble Gum Review!

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We’ve decided that there are really four major categories by which any bubble gum can (and should) be judged:

*Presentation. This includes packaging, color, and how the gum is delivered. This matters. If you don’t agree, then you think au gratin is mashed potatoes is French fries.

*Initial Experience. That first 30 seconds, what happens inside my mouth? Is it bitter because of packaging powder? Is it grainy? How chewy is it up front?

*Bubble-Blowing Capability. It’s called, after all, BUBBLE gum. I’m a believer in the bubble blowing. Get Juicy Fruit if you just want to chew (seriously. Get it. I don’t know what that flavor is they’ve come up with over at Wrigley, but it’s delicious). Also, you should know that we’ve limited the review to “original” bubble gum flavor. The neon or mouth-staining tones preferred by 11-year-olds are not represented here. Purists only.

*Duration of Quality. Simple stopwatch method, here. How long does the goodness last? Probably not very long, but I’d rather invest my bubble dollars on something that will last over 3 minutes.

Those are the criteria by which the gums shall be judged. Let’s hop to:


1) Super Bubble- This and Dubble Bubble were the most common bubble gums of my youth. These were found in generous supply at barber shops, youth events, and in Halloween bags. I’m going to let Super Bubble stand in for them both. Its blue-and-yellow swirl packaging is iconic and a standard in the bubblegum world.

1) Presentation- I remember this being more of a cube of gum, whereas Super Bubble has moved on and now gives us a suppository-shaped tube. I could’ve said ‘hot dog’, I guess, but you only get honesty here at VC, and I’m not a fan of candy in this shape (never really been a Mike and Ike/Red Hots guy for that reason).
2) Initial Experience- Wow. This flavor really does take me back. I think, for some reason, of going to the general store in Iola, Texas, and putting this gum on my uncle Kennth’s tab, which was about the most amazing thing in the world to me. I’m surprised that, in about two minutes, it turns bitter. Disappointing. BITTERLY disappointing, if you will. I think you probably will. I should also add that SB was the only bubblegum that actually stuck to my teeth, which is extremely off-putting. This immediately reminds you that you should NOT be chewing bubble gum. This may be true, but it’s very unpleasant to consider.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- Just terrible. I’m really surprised: in my memory this was a terrific bubblegum. SB has an interesting quality in its consistency, and it’s something that you see in many bubble gums, but it’s going to be tough to describe: this gum has a taffy-like makeup, but when a bubble is blown, suddenly it’s the thinnest material around. It’s like when frogs blow out their chests while they’re croaking (I’m sure there’s a term for that. I won’t bother to look it up)- one second they’re frog-thickness, the next they’re the thickness of a page from the Bible. I’m calling this quality Gum Surface Tension, and SB’s is the pits. No good.
4) Duration of Quality- Well, ‘quality’ is a strong term with Super Bubble, but let’s just say that the experience you have with this gum is absolutely gone in 8 minutes. It’s a stringy mess in there. Get it out of my mouth.

2) Bubble Yum- I remember loving this gum in jr. high. It was just fun and soft. I mean, the title says YUM, right?

1) Presentation- The package is bigger than ever, with the gum loaded in an unwieldy rectangle instead of the Rolo-style shaft. Also, the packaging now features a duck wearing a nose ring (their mascot?), which is a really disturbing image. Does this cartoon help move gum?
2) Initial Experience- Bubble Yum really surprised me, as it has an amazingly gritty texture at the outset, as if all the sugar in this gum is still granulated. I don’t prefer this uneven sensation; I find it off-putting like an overripe apple. I will say, though, that for a good 30 seconds, this gum is delicious.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- All you’d want in this department, at least for the first five minutes (It goes without saying, for the remainder of this review, that all these gums are going to be really good for about five minutes, then they’re going to sigNIFicantly drop off in taste and performance. This is bubble gum we’re talking about, not chiraz.) I also have to mention, here, that blowing bubbles with gum that still contains sugar bits throughout is a little weird.
4) Duration of Quality- Bubble Yum loses its steam quickly. In about the time it takes you to work the sugar down, the thrill is gone. Give it 8 minutes and move on.


3) Bubble Tape, by Hubba Bubba- Hubba Bubba has a long history associating itself with the old west, dating back to its “Gumfighters” ad campaign, which I thought was prĂȘt-ty cool back in the day. I would’ve watched that MOVIE! That cowboy reference point has stuck with me, somehow (maybe in part because ‘Bubba’ is a very country/Texas word), and Hubba Bubba has added to its lore in recent years when it introduced us to gum-from-a-holster:

1) Presentation- CRAZY about this presentation. In this wonderful gum-as-tape format, I can choose how much of this junk I want in my head. The case is hard plastic (the only bubble gum with this packaging) so they have the freedom to make nice, soft gum without it doing the mash-together. A gum holster!
2) Initial experience- The Bubble Tape packaging system necessitates a powder for separation, since it’s coiled up inside the holster. So, you have to work through that flour-y intro for maybe 10 seconds. The gum itself, though, is instantly soft and smooth. There is nothing grainy about this gum. Niiiiiice.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- This is a bubble blower’s gum, all the way down the line. Once you give the gum maybe a minute to congeal into it’s terrific consistency, it’s full steam ahead on bubbles. And the ability to blow bubbles lasts quite a while.
4) Duration of Quality- Bubble Tape gives us a strong 25 minutes of sweet chaw. That’s pretty much when the flavor has gone from the gum, but it’s still ready to blow bubbles—it simply doesn’t turn to rubber, which is an engineering marvel, if you ask me.

4) Trident- Their whole deal was that doctors just freakin LOVED it, so I grew up thinking that there was a medicinal aspect to Trident (I still have that in the back of my mind), which made me not want to chew it for fun. For fresh breath, sure: we’re talking about germs and bacteria and cleanliness. But for bike riding and driveway basketball and blowing bubbles? Trident doesn’t really spring to mind, for me. I include it in this review just for fairness’ sake.

1) Presentation- Everybody knows this, but I’ll say it anyway: for bubble gum, the portions are JUST TOO SMALL. It’s a joke. Two pieces are REQUIRED, three are optimal. Also, Trident has moved to the side-opening package these days (something increasingly popular among minty gums), so that pulling out a stick of gum reminds one of grabbing a crayon or choosing a pastel. It’s fairly convenient, but always seems out of place, to me.
2) Initial Experience- For about five seconds, Trident is smooth and tasty. But here it comes… that overwhelming chemical taste. That doesn’t help my perceptions of Trident being somehow antiseptic. Less enjoyable than you’d hope. That chemical patina never ebbs, unfortunately.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- Trident scores very low on GST, as it completely loses itself when a bubble is blown. The wad itself is thick to the point of being tough, but the bubble is super thin and fragile. Unacceptable. Terrible wad-to-bubble thickness ratio.
4) Duration of Quality- If you like medicine so much that you want to incorporate it into your recreation, then you should a) look into professional baseball, and b) chew as much Trident Bubble Gum as possible. This taste and tough consistency is rather resilient, lasting upwards of 20 minutes. Knock yourself out, there, champ.

5) Big League Chew- Now see, this stuff is what I would ride my bike to the Circle K to purchase with lifeguard money. I have a long history with this product, and have held it in high esteem for decades, now. This was a special treat growing up, and still feels like one, now. (I remember the song from this ad EXACTLY.)

1) Presentation- What can you say? A bald-faced reference to tobacco and baseball? How much more perfect can its branding be? Well, actually, I do have an opinion, there: the animated characters have always seemed too jokey and far-fetched, to me. If you want to go throwback with the baseball/tobacco thing, give me a little dignity in the artwork (pinstripes?). It just seems incongruous to me, but I know that’s strange to say. The real magic, here, is the thin strips of gum, all thrown into a pouch, so that, like Bubble Tape, the consumer decides how much he’ll enjoy at any given time. The only problem with this presentation is that, like loose-leaf tobacco (my uncle always takes a pouch hunting and fishing), time can create a melding of the strands, leaving you with a huge lump of gum, which is uncool. But taking a wad of these thin strips then bringing them under control into a chaw is a wonderful sensation.
2) Initial Experience- I’m surprised, not having had it in a while (you can typically only get BLC at sporting goods stores and the occasional Bed Bath & Beyond), that there is an unmistakably chemical tone to this gum as well. It almost comes across as too liquid, also. This is not something you battle with a bouncier gum, a la Bubble Tape. But it is incredibly smooth.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- Of course, out of the ‘ballpark’ (HA! Get it?), but I will say that the bubbles are a mite thin and sticky. I could see how a youngster could get this stuck on his face, hair, and clothes no problem.
4) Duration of Quality- I want to throw in here that, like Bubble Tape, BLC congeals into a nice boucy consistency in about 2 minutes. And for a solid half hour, you’re blowing strong bubbles without jaw pain. Nice work, BLC.


6) Bazooka Bubble Gum- We might as well throw in every stick of dirt that accompanies baseball cards, and basketball cards, here. It’s all the same. And holy Moses, it ain’t pretty. This was the joke gum of my youth. We all liked the character they created with Bazooka Joe (he’s a funny rebel! Who can’t get behind that?), but land sakes, what are they using him to peddle? By the way, they have a nice website for such a crap product.

1) Presentation- The Bazooka I found for this review was in a little loaf, Bit-O-Honey style, with the wrapper twisted up on both sides (like the photo above). Neat new logo. Unbelievably hard. I could’ve used it to re-hammer some nails on my fence that’ve come loose.
2) Initial Experience- The only gum to actually induce self-loathing immediately upon consumption. This stuff is hard, hard, HARD, and tastes like cherry cough syrup. It’s also grainy, which I didn’t expect.
3) Bubble-Blowing Capability- Don’t kid yourself. This stuff has a Gum Surface Tension of -5. It breaks when you try to establish a tongue groove in it, much less blow a bubble. A ridiculous bubblegum insult.
4) Duration of Quality- To my amazement, Bazooka’s taste and bounce hung in for all of 6 minutes. I was expecting 4.
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The gum I recommend for you this summer is: Bubble Tape, by Hubba Bubba. So good, I gave it the title link.

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Afterthought 1: Bubblicious.
I remember kind of shying away from this gum as a youngster, which was probably deeply intertwined with their colorful, futuristic advertising campaign: “The Ultimate Bubble has the ultimate flavors.” It seemed like they were going for too much, to me, and I had no interest in being sucked into outer space by blowing a bubble. Other than that, I can only say that it seems, based on its name, vaguely feminine, which is a turn-off. I rarely ever purchased this brand. But I was surprised, in preparing for this post, to find that, if there's a regular-flavored Bubblicious out there, I can't locate it. All their flavors are outrageous and WILD! ...and turn your mouth blue. Too bad.

Afterthought 2: Fruit Stripe Gum.
This was called ‘bubble gum’, but I’m not sure why. They never had ‘bubble gum’ flavor (it’s weird stuff: grape, cherry, “cotton candy”?, and ‘mixed fruit’ which I guess means “trust us, kids. It’s sweet, okay?”), and trying to blow a bubble out of this hard, grainy gum is a fool’s errand. Ain’t happening. I will say that printing stripes on a stick of gum is brilliant, and I also like the kind-looking zebra on the package, although 1) As a kid, I confused him with the Toys R Us mascot, Geoffrey (who was the only non-brit I ever came across who spelled his name that way), and 2) I heard he was run up on pedophilia charges in the late 80s, which was a shocking disappointment.