This is one of those kooky verses that we don’t understand in
modern America, so we just jettison it like old apples. “It has no use or application to me”, we
might say--then we just rumble on with our overactive “Christian”
lifestyles. We really like to do this,
especially with the Old Testament: There
is no prophecy, proverb, or command that we can’t easily throw aside based on
the fact that it’s, after all, the Old Testament, and “didn’t Jesus come to
make the Old Testament obsolete?” Well,
no. Of course not- Jesus came to obliterate
the law, or even more specifically,
to replace the system that says justification before God is due to the
observance of the law. So observing many
laws (Anybody rest one day a week?
Anybody avoid taking the LORD’s Name in vain?) is not wrong; it’s the looking
for right standing before God through observing those laws that Jesus came to
destroy...
Back
to the verse. There are all kinds of
things that God tells us in the scriptures that are just “laws of living”:
they’re God’s Owner’s Manuel for how to be a successful, well-working human
being. And this is one of those
laws. Let’s observe what exactly the
verse says:
1)
When you marry, the rules
change. This
should be obvious enough, but lots of people don’t take this on board. People assume that they can go on with their
guys’ nights, spending in a way that only considers yourself, throwing your
dirty jeans wherever, scheduling yourself the way you used to, etc. Oh contrare! Entering into any covenant is a
death and a rebirth. That means your old
way of life, your old identity, your old patterns- they all DIE. Isn’t it funny the first time you’re referred
to as a fiance? Or as a husband or wife?
Yeah, that’s a new label for you, because your identity is changing.
It’s a huge thing to undergo, and the Bible says it takes some
time. EVERYTHING is up for
re-negotiation. That doesn’t mean you’ll
never have a guys’ night again; it just means that you can’t assume your old
life is going to continue, with the minor addition of a new person along for
the ride!
2)
New Marriage needs new
margins. The verse says that the man is not to go to war, nor have
“any other duty” laid on him. Wow! Okay, this means that IF THE NATION IS AT WAR
(does that sound like kind of an emergency?
Uh, yeah. It does), even THEN,
the husband is not to go away and join the fighting. Wow.
And there is to be no other duties laid on his head. Okay.
To us, this means that we’re to avoid any new stresses or weights added
to a new marriage. Did we mention that
you’re struggling with a new identity and lifestyle? That’s a SIGNIFICANT adjustment, and the
invenstment in that personal transformation will pay off for generations. The Bible says, give that transition some time. Avoid taking a new job, moving to a new city,
or taking on volunteering roles (however good they may be! It could be feeding the poor or helping out
at your church or any kind of great, selfless stuff… but the Bible says this
isn’t the time. You’ve got bigger fish
to fry), where at all possible. Make
room for each other.
3)
Bringing happiness to each other
is a learned skill.
It feels indulgent, maybe, to devote an entire
year to “bringing happiness” (another translation of this verse is “learn how
to please…”), but that’s such a necessary, foundational skill of marriage… and
of family life in general! Books like The
Five Love Languages or His Needs, Her Needs are all about this
learning process- loving one person is NOT the same as loving another
person. So the Bible actually dictates
that there be a period COMMITTED to the study of loving your new spouse. It’s kind of awesome of God to demand that we
do this, huh?
So besides encouraging people to say NO to good-looking
opportunities that will introduce stress and responsibility into a young
marriage (at least for the first year), we recommend a couple of other things
too:
1) Try to get away monthly.
Go camping, find a B&B, go stay with relatives- just get out of the
grind of normal life and get away together.
Take that time to review your vows, talk about your marriage and
relationship, and how’s it’s going with the year’s gold to “learn how to bring
happiness”. What am I doing well? Where can I improve? Etc. This is the most important relationship of your
life, and will determine the lives of, potentially, thousands of people who
come behind you. It’s worth the investment.
2) Work your way through marriage books, attend a marriage
conference- just make marriage your hobby for the year. Find a helpful blog or podcast, meet up with
another young couple, find a mentor couple to guide you, etc. Just make Making A Great Marriage job one for
this year.
3) Use this first year to get your finances in order and
create healthy habits that you’ll follow for a lifetime. That includes giving, savings, and good
spending (spending on stuff that matters, like relationships and memorable
experiences, but saying no to stuff that doesn’t, like chasing fashion or tech
trends). Talk through all these things
as often and as thoroughlly as possible.
What better time to work through these really important issues than your
“off year” of marriage?
4) If there are past abuse, sexual, or illness issues, deal
with them. Get counseling. Find a prayer group. Get physical therapy. Again, this year is for YOU- you’re laying a
strong foundation for the family God is buildling through the two of you. Don’t put off wholeness in body, soul, or
spirit. Invest in each other and in your
marriage.
I can’t think of a better investment in this first year than
to pursue one another’s health, wholeness, and happiness. Being able to believe that “my spouse really
wants my good, more than money or success or knowledge or anything else” is a
powerful trust-builder that, again, will pay off for the rest of your lives
(and for the duration of your family lineage!).
Go to school on this wonderful provision God gives us in the scriptures,
and protect this precious first year.
Don’t let undue pressures creep in on your new marriage- knowing that
fostering its health is the wisest move you can make.
